A Series of Unfortunate Spoilers Episode 1: The Phantom Spoiler
by Lily Lindsey-Aubrey
Summary: Adam wants revenge, and what better way to get it than spoiling a Star Wars movie that hasn't come out yet? SPOILERS FOR STAR WARS EPISODE 26!


**A Series of Unfortunate Spoilers**

 _Episode 1. The Phantom Spoiler_

Adam was upset. Who could blame him? Ever since the Doctor had just kicked him out of the Tardis for good, life had been going down hill. His mum had thrown him out of the house when he freaked her out with his weird computer head- which he couldn't figure out how to get rid of, by the way- and his job had fired him. On the whole, things didn't seem to be able to get any worse.

And just as he was getting used to things as they were, getting a new job, and winning his mother's affections back, the last thing he wanted to see showed up on his doorstep with a wheeze and a cough and a screech and a flash of blue. The Tardis.

Out stepped a man who was obviously the Doctor. He didn't look the same as the Doctor Adam knew, but having studied up on Time Lords for the past few years, Adam knew all about the regeneration cycle. Plus, the man was angry looking. On top of that, who else steps out of a blue box and says, "Oh, heavens, wrong century!"?

"Doctor," Adam exclaimed, jumping up and getting ready to run if the Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver. Come to think of it, Adam didn't really know what it _did…_ but it looked scary.

But the Doctor didn't pull out his screwdriver. Instead, he ran his hand through his hair and turned back towards the box with a flap of his coat. "I mean 2115," he muttered. Then he stopped short and turned around again, a finger pointing at Adam. "Do I know you?" he asked suspiciously.

"Uh… I think so?" said Adam uncomfortably. "I'm Adam. I went time travelling with you and Rose years ago."

The Doctor's eyebrows lowered. "I remember you," he said. Somehow his Scottish accent just made him sound even angrier. "You were a terrible companion! Not at all like Rickey. I wonder what ever happened to Rickey…"

Adam didn't like being called a terrible companion. "Wait a minute," he said, frowning. "I wasn't so very bad. At least I was smart. Unlike that stupid female you had with you before. She's not still around, is she?"

"No, Rose is gone," said the Doctor. "Tell you what. I need a new companion. Convince me you're a good one and I'll take you on board again."

"What if I don't want to come on board?" asked Adam, crossing his arms.

"Look, now, I'm desperate," said the Doctor. "Clara is off with her boyfriend and I need some help. And we could go anywhere in the universe."

Adam suddenly got an idea.

Before I go any further, I must remind you that Adam's life was terrible ever since the Doctor had returned him to earth with a computer head. Even now that he had a real job again, his coworkers were cruel and heartless to him. All this is to say that although what Adam did next was utterly evil and conniving, he isn't wholly to be hated.

"Fine," he said, crossing his arms and trying to keep a mischievous gleam from his eyes. "I'd like to go into the future and see a new Star Wars movie."

The Doctor's eyebrows shot up. "Why not?" he asked, after considering for a moment. "Hop in!"

Adam smirked and tramped in after the older man. His coworkers had bullied him long enough. Only just this morning they had done something inconceivable: they had given him Star Wars: The Force Awakens spoilers, even knowing that he hadn't been able to see it yet. Well, he knew how to get back at them. He would spoil a Star Wars movie right back at them! At last he would have his revenge.

"Here we are," said the Doctor, climbing out and banging the Tardis affectionately. Adam climbed out after him and looked up at a giant theatre. " _Star Wars Episode 26: Return of the Phantom Sith, in which a Jedi Awakens."_

"Woah," said Adam. He could hardly believe his eyes. "We must be years and years in the future!"

They walked into the theatre, and the Doctor held up his psychic paper to the ticket collector. "Prepaid," he lied.

All during the movie (which was awesome, by the way, if you're into Star Wars), Adam kept his eyes peeled for any evil spoilers he could give to his coworkers. He found it right at the end, and chuckled evilly under his breath. _Perfect._

"There you are," said the Doctor, landing back in Adam's normal time frame. "You seemed to behave yourself for once. Maybe I shall take you on as a replacement companion. Temporary, mind you, but-"

"I don't know, Doctor," said Adam, pretending to think about it. "I'll have to spend more time considering it. I'm not sure I want to risk all that danger. Give me twenty-four hours."

"Fine," said the Doctor, retreated into his box, and slammed the door. It crossed through Adam's mind that the Doctor must be _really_ lonely if he was coming to _him_ for companionship, but he brushed the thought away.

The next day, Adam strolled into the office with a very smug look on his face. It didn't go unnoticed.

"Hey, brainy," said an especially annoying coworker. "You look too happy. What happened?"

"I just saw _Star Wars Episode 26,"_ Adam smirked. "And guess what happened in it? Prepare for the world's biggest spoiler!"

"He's off his nut," said the coworker, aghast. "Loony!"

"JAR JAR BINKS TURNS OUT TO BE A SITH LORD!" crowed Adam, slapping his knee. "HAHAHA. Total spoilage! You will never be able to fully enjoy that plot twist now!"

"Crazy," agreed another coworker.

"No, I'm serious," protested Adam. "It's true!"

"Though that would be hilarious," said the first coworker. "Imagine if Jar Jar Abrams decided to do that? Haha."

"Yeah, I'm tweeting this," said coworker #2. "Hehe…"

"No, guys!" gasped Adam, suddenly horrified. "You'll spoil it for everyone!"

"Yeah, yeah, you've had your joke, stupid. Go off and watch some more _Star Wars Episode 25."_

"Episode 2 _6_!" Adam corrected angrily. The others just laughed him off. "I'll prove it!" yelled Adam. "I have a friend who saw it, too. He'll tell you!"

He stomped out and ran all the way back to his house. The Doctor would be back soon.

Adam sat down on his doorstep and waited breathlessly. At last the Tardis showed up again. Out stepped the Doctor.

"Doctor," said Adam urgently. "I need your help! No one believes me about Star Wars!"

"You stupid human!" yelled the Doctor. "I trusted you! And now you've gone and spoiled Star Wars for the whole internet!" He held up his phone.

 **Twitter**

 _The Doctor_

 _Darth Vader LonelyVader tweeted:_

News is that jar jar binks is a sith pass it on

 _Emo Kylo Ren VaderWannabe tweeted:_

Seriously tho why is everyone talking about sith jar jar?

 _Meesa Jar Jar Binks MostAnnoyingVoiceInTheGalaxy tweeted:_

Yousa all was not supposed to have finded that meesa was sith lord!

 _Chewbacca Roooooaaar tweeted:_

AAHOOWHWAHSOG!

"Oops," said Adam guiltily. "Wait, what does Chewbacca's tweet-"

"I speak Wookie," said the Doctor, throwing his phone back into the Tardis. "You have committed a criminal offense, you- wait, it's not a criminal offense until twelve years from now. If this were the future, you'd be in jail!"

And with a last shake of his finger, the Doctor went into his Tardis and slammed the Door.

Sadly, Adam wasn't even able to become famous for starting that rumour about Jar Jar Binks. But that's what happens when you spoil Star Wars.

* * *

 _Author's Note:_ _So I was going through my old documents, because I was planning to write more to Melkor's Restaurant (who else is excited?), when I stumbled upon this li'l gem. I did not alter it at all. Exactly as I found it, I present to you my story from, I suspect, about a year ago. It was supposed to be a series (duh) and I had started writing another part to it that was set in Middle Earth with Sauron. I may or may not publish that separately as part 2 in the series. We'll see what sort of reaction I get to this._

 _To any readers who have been following me and waiting for more updates, hello and I've missed you guys! I've missed writing and I suspect I will never be able to do it as much as I used to, but I have a plan to work on some more of a few incomplete works, so keep your eyes peeled. I'm in college now, "adulting", and I hate it, but what can one do? *sigh*_

 _Please leave a review if you enjoyed the story. I like hearing from you all!_


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